The Edge of Madness and Vulnerability
Warning To Reader
Please note: For those who are cringing at the term "madness", please know I am using it as the Merriam definition part b) A behavior or thinking that is very foolish or dangerous: extreme folly - an idea that is pure/sheer madness This in no way refers to the "mentally ill" reference for this piece of writing.
Prelude
I have lived 45 years now on the edge of madness. And yes, we all do. Your idol moments are likely madness you turn a blind eye to. Fighting my natural inclinations I work hard to remain in the norm, every second of every day. I have fought all my life to ensure strict adherence to composure, to predictability, to organization and to expectation. Like heavy marionette strings from which we dangle, we each continue and dance to pre recorded beats with intent to comply, express words to please, and we stay far away from anything that puts us at judgements risk. And who operates the marionettes? Exactly. We speak and express only that which we are sure of, and all else is complete nonsense. Right?
But I want to share something unique. My gift to you is this. Both madness AND vulnerability.
WAIT..."Vulnerability"...scary, millennial filled word makes you want to click off right away...I know you, because we all feel it! I typically hate this word. UG... It's honestly just like a little swear word in my head and ranks right up there with the overused cringe-worthy term "journey". My teeth bleed just writing it. But challenge your mind a little. Try this "peace" of thought.
What We Miss
With you I share a piece of my inner clockwork, the ticking of seconds, the moments of time, the chaotic order of permitted thought and those that step outside the boundaries. The artwork that is created, simply by letting go. For you I convert into words the complete madness that we collectively experience. Collectively that is, if you permit yourself to become aware of your own moments and pay close attention to the processes within your mind. Madness, when you allow yourself to pull all curtains off expectation, revealing a scattered splash of folly. For most, vulnerability of exposed thought, is rarely shared even in our most trusted circles. It is a declared societal weakness to attend to a perceived "lesser composed" and perhaps purposeless thought, so we continue to communicate order to feed our mind that has been stuck in that groove. Humans rely after all, on relevant exchanges of information to survive. We claim only that which has purpose and bury all notions that dance outside the lines. With the greatest hurdle being simple acknowledgement of brilliant colorful thinking, our inclination is to retreat back to composure, with fear of unknown direction and fear of travelling to unmapped ends that challenge who we are. Knowing this, we continue to be protected by an armor of consciously installed privacy barriers and create an enemy of vulnerability. But here is what we miss. Potential for growth. Self awareness. Color. Entertainment by the unexpected display. Grand vivid imagery of contemplative origin. Muscle strengthening and balance. There are tribes of experts who may consider my musing as meditation, others call it a type of mind mapping, and perhaps for some, it could and will be so. There are others who will criticize the very waste of time and question all purpose. But for those who enjoy exploration, artistry and self awareness, learning to ALLOW thought in all it's distorted mappings is a journey that should be travelled...at least once if not a few times.
Not Just a Quest for the Artists, Dreamers and Soul Searchers...
Imagine, allowing yourself a full 24 hours of permission to think and contemplate. Permission to let your mind wander with no leash. NOT attempting to conquer the meditative nothingness, NOT the ultimate meditative state, NOT day dreaming, NOT a high off some drug. No, none of that. Instead, a recording of every thought, the chaos, the strange, the fun, the serious, the necessary and a focus on what you think about in moments...the random stuff, the stuff you usually push away and ignore so you can return to purpose. To do this you must let go of your need to control. Get out of that groove!
Watch for it to happen. It occurs like a flood at first, then trickles and splashes and soaks you to your core.
Observe it.
Take it.
Hold it.
Feel it.
Listen to it.
Write it down.
Read it.
Look at this - specifically, as a glorious artistic painting of thoughts that are appreciated for their quirkiness, their beauty, their interesting nature. Do this without intent. This is not an exercise with a select purpose. This is an expedition, an adventure and the most beautiful artistry created. You may take much from reading your musings after a period of time, or you may take nothing. But if nothing else, it is surely an exercise that strengthens the brain. It's like a muscle that never gets used outside it's typical pattern.
Yes I Did It!
And so...yes, I did this. I've pondered it for a while and honestly never had 24 hours to focus on random shit. However, how fun and scary it was to record where my mind travels when I pay attention over a period of time. I literally felt the tug of my minds desire to push it all away and to focus on that which makes us regulated machines. I suppose I cheated a little in that I retreated to a camping expedition...alone, where expectations were minimal. I brought a black writing book and a sharp pencil. It went everywhere I did and I wrote...nonstop. I also brought my hiking shoes, my chocolate, my wine, my paint and canvas. There was no structure within those 24 hours whatsoever. And for me, when I translated the thoughts, it was often poetic verse as that is how I'm wired, sometimes it was a strong opinion and statement, sometimes it was contemplative over things I saw or noticed, sometimes a wonderful or not so wonderful memory, sometimes it was just a single random word with no apparent meaning that popped into my mind...but collectively, the writings were definitely raw and genuine. It became a work of art that I am proud to have accomplished. It challenged me to observe everything deeply, connect with my mind and strengthen a muscle that doesn't get worked. This was not just creativity however. This was also an examination of construct, of core operations and while connecting deeply, also stepping outside and looking in. A strangely interesting exercise.
I share with you this experiment that looks like madness (according to the above definition, and to some perhaps the better known definition), and allow you to see 24 hours of ultimate vulnerability. I will also now imagine your eye rolls, your inside assumptions, your gut instinct to say "what the hell was that?" And I appreciate that. But chances are if you made it this far into this blog, you are interested enough to judge with a more educated eye. Take what you like. Entertainment value, interest in trying something new, or simply your own little piece of folly. But, I do ask that you respect the vulnerability piece, as this is one of the greatest achievements we can allow within ourselves.
Stay tuned for the following blog documentation of the experiment. It is cut by a third, with select entries making the draft as to save you your own 24 hours of reading. I give you good warning though. It is anything but a typical coherent blog post. Coming soon....
Please note: For those who are cringing at the term "madness", please know I am using it as the Merriam definition part b) A behavior or thinking that is very foolish or dangerous: extreme folly - an idea that is pure/sheer madness This in no way refers to the "mentally ill" reference for this piece of writing.
Prelude
I have lived 45 years now on the edge of madness. And yes, we all do. Your idol moments are likely madness you turn a blind eye to. Fighting my natural inclinations I work hard to remain in the norm, every second of every day. I have fought all my life to ensure strict adherence to composure, to predictability, to organization and to expectation. Like heavy marionette strings from which we dangle, we each continue and dance to pre recorded beats with intent to comply, express words to please, and we stay far away from anything that puts us at judgements risk. And who operates the marionettes? Exactly. We speak and express only that which we are sure of, and all else is complete nonsense. Right?
But I want to share something unique. My gift to you is this. Both madness AND vulnerability.
WAIT..."Vulnerability"...scary, millennial filled word makes you want to click off right away...I know you, because we all feel it! I typically hate this word. UG... It's honestly just like a little swear word in my head and ranks right up there with the overused cringe-worthy term "journey". My teeth bleed just writing it. But challenge your mind a little. Try this "peace" of thought.
What We Miss
With you I share a piece of my inner clockwork, the ticking of seconds, the moments of time, the chaotic order of permitted thought and those that step outside the boundaries. The artwork that is created, simply by letting go. For you I convert into words the complete madness that we collectively experience. Collectively that is, if you permit yourself to become aware of your own moments and pay close attention to the processes within your mind. Madness, when you allow yourself to pull all curtains off expectation, revealing a scattered splash of folly. For most, vulnerability of exposed thought, is rarely shared even in our most trusted circles. It is a declared societal weakness to attend to a perceived "lesser composed" and perhaps purposeless thought, so we continue to communicate order to feed our mind that has been stuck in that groove. Humans rely after all, on relevant exchanges of information to survive. We claim only that which has purpose and bury all notions that dance outside the lines. With the greatest hurdle being simple acknowledgement of brilliant colorful thinking, our inclination is to retreat back to composure, with fear of unknown direction and fear of travelling to unmapped ends that challenge who we are. Knowing this, we continue to be protected by an armor of consciously installed privacy barriers and create an enemy of vulnerability. But here is what we miss. Potential for growth. Self awareness. Color. Entertainment by the unexpected display. Grand vivid imagery of contemplative origin. Muscle strengthening and balance. There are tribes of experts who may consider my musing as meditation, others call it a type of mind mapping, and perhaps for some, it could and will be so. There are others who will criticize the very waste of time and question all purpose. But for those who enjoy exploration, artistry and self awareness, learning to ALLOW thought in all it's distorted mappings is a journey that should be travelled...at least once if not a few times.
Not Just a Quest for the Artists, Dreamers and Soul Searchers...
Imagine, allowing yourself a full 24 hours of permission to think and contemplate. Permission to let your mind wander with no leash. NOT attempting to conquer the meditative nothingness, NOT the ultimate meditative state, NOT day dreaming, NOT a high off some drug. No, none of that. Instead, a recording of every thought, the chaos, the strange, the fun, the serious, the necessary and a focus on what you think about in moments...the random stuff, the stuff you usually push away and ignore so you can return to purpose. To do this you must let go of your need to control. Get out of that groove!
Watch for it to happen. It occurs like a flood at first, then trickles and splashes and soaks you to your core.
Observe it.
Take it.
Hold it.
Feel it.
Listen to it.
Write it down.
Read it.
Look at this - specifically, as a glorious artistic painting of thoughts that are appreciated for their quirkiness, their beauty, their interesting nature. Do this without intent. This is not an exercise with a select purpose. This is an expedition, an adventure and the most beautiful artistry created. You may take much from reading your musings after a period of time, or you may take nothing. But if nothing else, it is surely an exercise that strengthens the brain. It's like a muscle that never gets used outside it's typical pattern.
Yes I Did It!
And so...yes, I did this. I've pondered it for a while and honestly never had 24 hours to focus on random shit. However, how fun and scary it was to record where my mind travels when I pay attention over a period of time. I literally felt the tug of my minds desire to push it all away and to focus on that which makes us regulated machines. I suppose I cheated a little in that I retreated to a camping expedition...alone, where expectations were minimal. I brought a black writing book and a sharp pencil. It went everywhere I did and I wrote...nonstop. I also brought my hiking shoes, my chocolate, my wine, my paint and canvas. There was no structure within those 24 hours whatsoever. And for me, when I translated the thoughts, it was often poetic verse as that is how I'm wired, sometimes it was a strong opinion and statement, sometimes it was contemplative over things I saw or noticed, sometimes a wonderful or not so wonderful memory, sometimes it was just a single random word with no apparent meaning that popped into my mind...but collectively, the writings were definitely raw and genuine. It became a work of art that I am proud to have accomplished. It challenged me to observe everything deeply, connect with my mind and strengthen a muscle that doesn't get worked. This was not just creativity however. This was also an examination of construct, of core operations and while connecting deeply, also stepping outside and looking in. A strangely interesting exercise.
I share with you this experiment that looks like madness (according to the above definition, and to some perhaps the better known definition), and allow you to see 24 hours of ultimate vulnerability. I will also now imagine your eye rolls, your inside assumptions, your gut instinct to say "what the hell was that?" And I appreciate that. But chances are if you made it this far into this blog, you are interested enough to judge with a more educated eye. Take what you like. Entertainment value, interest in trying something new, or simply your own little piece of folly. But, I do ask that you respect the vulnerability piece, as this is one of the greatest achievements we can allow within ourselves.
Stay tuned for the following blog documentation of the experiment. It is cut by a third, with select entries making the draft as to save you your own 24 hours of reading. I give you good warning though. It is anything but a typical coherent blog post. Coming soon....
