The Edge - Part 2
The Edge of Vulnerability and Madness - Blog Part 2 - "UNEDITED WITH PURPOSE"
Funny enough, I have had inquiry from readers looking for the inside of my mind as it relates to a previous post. A few weeks back, I wrote about a three day excursion that embarked on a purposeful release of constraint, and allowed for random release of thought. This was to take place over a long period (quite relative to my normal relaxation pattern), throughout a three day camping excursion. This was a most curious task. An amazing experiment that I will do again. In my previous post, I told about the freedom found in allowing a "flow of ideas" without having to guide, or push away the direction of thought based on outside expectation. This was more than creative writing. This was a flow of thought, unrelated and ideas that I would not revise to fit anything outside my own mind. I impressed upon my readers to give it a try, allow the vulnerability that comes with it and enjoy the path in which it takes. I informed you that I would reveal a little about what that ride was like for me, and simply asked that you have an open mind and respect for a task that demonstrates the utmost in vulnerability...an unkempt, unedited mind of sorts. As the days and weeks passed, I have written other blogs of interest, but didn't return to follow-up on this more vulnerable post. With a little encouragement by a couple readers, and a few further words of interest, I have published as promised. Again, challenge yourself even for an afternoon, to a wide open thought map experiment. Your senses will explode with awareness, your mind will discover parts of itself you never knew existed and you will use a muscle in a way that is rarely used. My mind walked gently at first, then reverted to lyric and statement of thought. Where will your mind go?
Inside the Mind of Getaway - "Just a Few Thoughts" June 2017
Upon setting up camp, and into the following 12 hours, the following words spilled, in all their randomness, without connection...and how freeing to simply allow. This, as it was written, in present and on reflection and completely unedited.
Self Discovery - June 12, 2017
Inside the mind of a Getaway
There are no words to describe the feeling of a strangely independent getaway from one who has been ultimately reliant on her surroundings to breathe. Here I sit, after wandering around a campsite for 30 minutes, just looking around with pride. Just looking with fascination. Just wondering why I have never done this before. Desired it yes, but behind desire lay fear and insecurity. I am so dependent on others. We are all dependent aren't we? I just set up a tent. Simple right? I packed my cooler of food, my way. Simple. I organized my life for three days away from home, alone. Something I haven't done in over 20 years. The thought of being alone for three days is both scary and intriguing. I know I can do it. That's not even a question. Why do I feel like I need to prove it is the better question.
In the moment -
"I'm here. I did it. I hear waves crashing relentlessly on the beach. They are much louder than I expected. I hear birds everywhere. Seagulls are everywhere. The breeze is amazing. There isn't a single bug to be found other than the sand ants I will sleep with. And my overwhelming desire at this very moment is to share this very moment with everyone I know. Where does that come from? I feel the need to share every sensation I feel. Why? Am I proud? Insecure? Looking for validation? Looking to inspire? I don't want to answer that. I'm not going there. That is not freedom. Holy, I am still so anxious. I can't fully relax. I am still in awe of this seemingly huge accomplishment. Perhaps I am indeed a control freak. I've been accused of this before. I have a sense of immediacy to accomplish all I imagined I would do on this outing...get out the paint, get out my hiking boots...quick, I need to see every corner of this beach and forest within the first hour of being here. I self talk to relax, to observe each moment, slow down the thoughts, the excitement and let them trickle a little slower so I can pay attention to them. Each of them. This is the hardest thing ever for my ADHD mind. I am trying to let go of the stupid list of pre-set expectations. I don't need to do any of those things at all if I don't want to. But I want to hike, swim, paint, write NOW. Or, none of them. They are things I define as being relaxing and add worth to my getaway, but maybe I should banish the list. I need not do any of these things I dreamed of. Maybe I just breathe. I will sit and breathe. I will notice the moments as they come. I want to escape the timeline that dictates my actions. The timeline that tells me if I've accomplished anything and get rid of urgency. Urgency is my demon. I don't know much of life without it. Urgency. What a horrible word. It's the opposite of freedom.
And in reflection -
"I sat and stared at a beautiful white canvas for a full hour or more. I loved it's potential. I respected its emptiness and remembered why I love the colour white. Wait, is white a colour? I contemplated an ending. An ending of a blank canvas. An ending of potential and a beginning of creation...all at once. That's a little sad. It makes me not want to paint and just admire the blank canvas. Hey, here it goes...I'm doing it...my mind is releasing. I am aware of it. This is a bit scary. I'm stopping now. I waited for my imagination to kick in. It didn't do what I expected. I ate a peanut butter sandwich. It was the best sandwich I've ever tasted. I realized how heightened my senses were. I loved that. It was still a bit scary. I carried on noticing my senses. Every single one. Awesome. Overwhelming.
And in the moment -
"This is not new to me. I am good at this. I do this a lot. When I hike, I hear the trees, I notice every smell, sound and shade of green and browns or hint of unusual colour that startles that background image."
And in reflection -
"The smells were different. The sandy beach breeze carried scents that are very different than the forest. I felt like my soul was on fire. Every sense ignited. I remained in that state for a while. I didn't have a clock with me. Time was left long behind.
I cried quietly, looking around...simply feeling it all. For a while. And I let myself be - wide open.
And on a moment of contemplation -
"Privacy - what is it? Why do humans need it? Why are there parts of us we wish to hide? What if privacy never had existed? Where would humanity be? Privacy costs so much burden, especially regarding emotion. Especially with respect to our thoughts and wishes and desires. I've never been a huge fan of privacy. I respect it. Don't like it. I need to look up societal dictionary definition of the term "privacy". Maybe I'm contemplating something different than our social accepted term."
Random Song - "Honeycomb" - who sings that?
Random thoughts -
Do people who live by the water experience silence? Do the waves become part of silence? Maybe waves speak. I should search poetry database on "What waves would say".
Random thoughts -
"I miss my mother. She would think I'm crazy camping alone. She and I were so different."
"Trees are indeed the grandparents of the earth"
"Nature gives. The earth gives. It evolves to meet its needs and embodies its losses. It knows recovery and urgency is not in its definition. Necessary timelines mean nothing in nature. It happens as needed, as it will and lives and thrives in ways we don't expect. It embraces endings. We see every creature as part of the symbiotic circle. Do we see ourselves as part of the circle of nature? We see ourselves outside that circle. We don't see ourselves as part of nature, or part of the circle of being that is a natural evolution of Earth. Perhaps the destruction we see, is not the by product of our own higher being, but our lower awareness. This is why we will cease. We are a temporary piece of the evolution of earth. A silly little experiment of sorts that future worlds will laugh at. Humans are so strangely unaware."
"There are no squirrels here. Where are the squirrels?"
"A chipmunk with painted paws creates the most interesting artwork. A masterpiece of randomness and naive style."
Random Lyrical Thought -
"And her story never ended. It visited those who welcomed and carried it, then to all the places it needed to be. Their owns stories absorbed her and so she continued to keep good company with eternity."
"My mind just tormented the hell out your kind thoughts."
"Like a super power, I see souls. I see yours. And most often, people like you they run and put up protective gear as if their privacy has been violated. Unless of course the others I meet share that same superpower. I travel best in small tribes of superheroes."
"My gift is vulnerability. I am learning to give it away freely. I share my mind and write it in words for others to read when they feel safe and can open themselves within the walls of their own private moments."
"The deeper minds of some, scare the surface minds of others for it touches the fears we all have but are unwilling to share."
"Because if the leaves can dance from the stability of limbs, the light can then reach all those underneath."
"And he tried, despite everything. He tried harder, thanks to everything."
"Just when you think your life is full enough, hand over your treasures and update your basket."
"Stop the ride. I want off"
"She dreamed of....ya, dreamed beyond words."
"The trees, they whisper with wisdom,
The waves, they chant for change,
The sands, they sit in solitude,
The flowers, they challenge with chivalry,
The grasses, they sing with the seasons
But the earth, she cries for all those children."
"What a lovely couple they were
With their flower print sundresses
With their straw brim hats
Standing in the sunset
Letting waves crash on their feet
Holding tall glasses of red
And laughing and talking in the breeze
Her arm around hers
And their embrace was so beautiful
With the summer sun connections
What a lovely couple they were."
"Living is not enough. We deserve to thrive."
Random Observations -
The little ant, was one of trillions, working to build soft tunnels through the networks in the sands of shorelines, one grain at a time, only to be crushed by an external force he knew nothing of.
The loveliest and purest impression is found in the first draft. All revisions become the make-up that buries it in sugar. Sadly, the true taste is gone.
Thoughts -
On Wishing....
"And they wouldn't come this far
They saw little value in it
They came only part way
And were scared of the investment
So they stayed in their safety
Complaining of the mundane
And put their last head down one day
Wishing.
On Ordinary...
Please - stand back, just for a day
Please - release your hold and let us play
Please - know you're respected in many a way
Please - close your lips and keep warnings at bay
Please - hum in the backgraounds, give up your grey,
Please - let her go, her hem will not fray,
Please - watch her dance and please I must pray,
Please stand back, if just for a day.
On Holding On...
The day was an adventure, the sun sang strong
I danced and I loved and I played all along
But I sat for one minute
I thought I was done.
So I lay in the waves and
There, I would shed my life demon.
And he sang a lullaby to the forest for me
They whispered gently and told me to simply rest well.
So I sat quiet and rested my head on a rock.
I understood with the deepest of meaning,
That I should just stay there.
Asleep until morning.
And this, a grain of salt in a sea of thoughts that will flow even without a current.
Pages and pages and pages and pages...mind cleansing.
Freedom.
