The Wrong Strong Kind
The Strong Kind
I was struggling a little. Well, actually, quite a bit. I was struggling with how to introduce the thoughts that came strong and loud into my busy mind as my workday ended and I drove quietly up our backcountry hill toward home. So, as anyone might do, I turned up my 1980's playlist and blared it as loud as I could tolerate. A fifteen minute drive was almost enough to get me to a more organized heavy heap made up of the days interactions and events. There isn't a day that passes that I don't become significantly more aware of the nature of our social interactions and what they mean, where they come from, how we "play" a role that we believe is who we want the world to see. It is my obsession to look deeply. I analyze and evaluate multiple angles and create visions of peoples sense of purpose, their level of awareness outside their own immediate perimeter. I can say, I usually learn something new every single day and love that. It likely has something to do with my psychology textbooks from school, or behavioural science studies, ABA therapy, and general interest in human social interactions on every level. As much as I am very in tuned, very aware and obsessively observant, I am so freaking naïve in ways that I both love and hate. And my awareness of this naïve nature does not diminish this characteristic at all as you might expect. It's like this little bubble that I protect with a harsh reality surrounding it. Today I worried a little about that little bubble.
I really wasn't sure if these "thoughts in a box" would fit that well as a blog. I thought perhaps I could spill this kettle better as a rant, but these particular items of thought are not well organized and are simply dangling by threads and waving in front of my face. It's so annoying to keep flicking them to get them out of the way, and so to declare this post as anything more than an annoying chaotic ramble would be unfair to the reader. So this will be short. A quick little ramble of observation and thought.
As I mentioned, I am keenly aware of people around me; their tone, their amount of eye contact, the rhythm of breath that synchronizes with mood, the presence of hand movement, foot twitching and head tilt. I instinctively interpret peoples length of sentences in their communication with me, their comfort and stance when they should be listening to me and their observable timing and immediacy of reply during conversations. It fascinates me and it is incredible accurate. However, today I noted a different fluctuation in personality presentations that I knew existed though I have paid only distant recognition. It is interesting and seemingly meaningful and important. Well, this one thought started with with the characteristic of kindness. I don't mean just someone doing kind things, not planned random acts, but true kind individuals with eyes that are sensitive and connections that are respectful and leave you feeling heard and understood. The mundane but powerful adjective that is "kind" and that announces a persons overwhelming presence wherever they are. Who do you see when you think of when you picture a really kind person? Think of the woman, man, grandparent or child. Who do you picture? Who do you know? Chances are your first thought is of a pleasant face that smiles a lot, that does lovely things for people, that is often soft spoken, perhaps even slightly vulnerable and maybe some are a bit quiet natured. Some people will picture a kind person often as elderly, perhaps as carrying a little extra weight with thoughtful, empathetic choices of words. Child loving, charity giving, volunteering, save the world kind of beings...they are kind. Right?
Now picture a woman who is dynamic and strong. She is assertive, independent, educated maybe employed. Picture a middle aged woman who is outspoken and engaged in advocacy. Picture the women in your life who get things done, maybe creative, have ideas, love challenge and embrace change. Picture a woman with all those characteristics who is determined, a real "go getter", politically minded and whose self esteem is deep rooted in who she is and wants to be. Rooted in a most natural, but well planned way. These amazing women are so many things, and are often the kindest people we know. Are these the characteristics you pictured along with kindness? Likely not, they are not the first picture in you head when you think about a lovely kind person. Of course, there are exceptions to this stigma, and personally, I have been lucky to know several people who are the kindest AND strongest people ever! But identifying these particular traits were just random thoughts that lead to a separate observation.
And so, the observation today was this. Today I engaged with a confusing mix of multiple characteristics that seemed to combine expressions of kind, strong, then the individual seemed to use these seemingly "practiced" characteristics to dip into a manipulative stream of behaviours. Manipulation of these learned tools was observed as using niceties that I expect others might see as kindness. But this had a different feel. This person presented as having the most delightful combination of pleasant, calm and confident. A woman that presented with immediate kindness and her conversation was overflowing with what appeared to be a soft caring purpose and curious sensitivity. However, as our conversation required fact based opinion to advocate for our individual ideas, this woman presented with a deeper angry tone paired with a larger smile. Her lip quivered a little. She sat up taller, leaned in to the table, rested her arms, increased duration of eye contact and spoke with assertive terminology and short quick sentences. It was likely the most interesting turn of characteristic presentation I have observed. She was clearly not just using emotional body language, but pulling tools of planned emotion to get what she wanted. As our conversation safely ended with mutual agreement to disagree on many of our discussion points, she settled back in her chair, and her body relaxed. Her smile retracted to an occasional grin and her eyes softened. Her kindness never returned. It had been an act. A truly kind person would be able to enter into debate and yet treat a fellow human with a pleasantness that is natural and not thought. When I reflect and I think of her, she fits into both categories. Some would say she's a "kind" of strong. I would say this mix of traits that are planned and intentional for gain are manipulative and in many ways these people scare me. They come close to bursting my bubble that I protect with pride.
Currently, as I think of all the women and some of the men that I consider to be kind, and perform a mental cross-check with those people I picture as strong, I conclude of course that the variance is huge. A real strong combination of the two characteristics is rare. I have the most respect for both the "strong kind" and the "kind strong" individuals, providing they are natural in their expression. In this, there is a sense of understanding and safety. There is a sense of connection and understanding, even if there no synchronicity in understanding. Wherever possible however, I will continue to seek the real strong AND kind. Like many rare treasures, they are hidden, but they are there. It is what I teach, what I believe, and what I still aspire to be.
Swallow that one folks!
I was struggling a little. Well, actually, quite a bit. I was struggling with how to introduce the thoughts that came strong and loud into my busy mind as my workday ended and I drove quietly up our backcountry hill toward home. So, as anyone might do, I turned up my 1980's playlist and blared it as loud as I could tolerate. A fifteen minute drive was almost enough to get me to a more organized heavy heap made up of the days interactions and events. There isn't a day that passes that I don't become significantly more aware of the nature of our social interactions and what they mean, where they come from, how we "play" a role that we believe is who we want the world to see. It is my obsession to look deeply. I analyze and evaluate multiple angles and create visions of peoples sense of purpose, their level of awareness outside their own immediate perimeter. I can say, I usually learn something new every single day and love that. It likely has something to do with my psychology textbooks from school, or behavioural science studies, ABA therapy, and general interest in human social interactions on every level. As much as I am very in tuned, very aware and obsessively observant, I am so freaking naïve in ways that I both love and hate. And my awareness of this naïve nature does not diminish this characteristic at all as you might expect. It's like this little bubble that I protect with a harsh reality surrounding it. Today I worried a little about that little bubble.
I really wasn't sure if these "thoughts in a box" would fit that well as a blog. I thought perhaps I could spill this kettle better as a rant, but these particular items of thought are not well organized and are simply dangling by threads and waving in front of my face. It's so annoying to keep flicking them to get them out of the way, and so to declare this post as anything more than an annoying chaotic ramble would be unfair to the reader. So this will be short. A quick little ramble of observation and thought.
As I mentioned, I am keenly aware of people around me; their tone, their amount of eye contact, the rhythm of breath that synchronizes with mood, the presence of hand movement, foot twitching and head tilt. I instinctively interpret peoples length of sentences in their communication with me, their comfort and stance when they should be listening to me and their observable timing and immediacy of reply during conversations. It fascinates me and it is incredible accurate. However, today I noted a different fluctuation in personality presentations that I knew existed though I have paid only distant recognition. It is interesting and seemingly meaningful and important. Well, this one thought started with with the characteristic of kindness. I don't mean just someone doing kind things, not planned random acts, but true kind individuals with eyes that are sensitive and connections that are respectful and leave you feeling heard and understood. The mundane but powerful adjective that is "kind" and that announces a persons overwhelming presence wherever they are. Who do you see when you think of when you picture a really kind person? Think of the woman, man, grandparent or child. Who do you picture? Who do you know? Chances are your first thought is of a pleasant face that smiles a lot, that does lovely things for people, that is often soft spoken, perhaps even slightly vulnerable and maybe some are a bit quiet natured. Some people will picture a kind person often as elderly, perhaps as carrying a little extra weight with thoughtful, empathetic choices of words. Child loving, charity giving, volunteering, save the world kind of beings...they are kind. Right?
Now picture a woman who is dynamic and strong. She is assertive, independent, educated maybe employed. Picture a middle aged woman who is outspoken and engaged in advocacy. Picture the women in your life who get things done, maybe creative, have ideas, love challenge and embrace change. Picture a woman with all those characteristics who is determined, a real "go getter", politically minded and whose self esteem is deep rooted in who she is and wants to be. Rooted in a most natural, but well planned way. These amazing women are so many things, and are often the kindest people we know. Are these the characteristics you pictured along with kindness? Likely not, they are not the first picture in you head when you think about a lovely kind person. Of course, there are exceptions to this stigma, and personally, I have been lucky to know several people who are the kindest AND strongest people ever! But identifying these particular traits were just random thoughts that lead to a separate observation.
And so, the observation today was this. Today I engaged with a confusing mix of multiple characteristics that seemed to combine expressions of kind, strong, then the individual seemed to use these seemingly "practiced" characteristics to dip into a manipulative stream of behaviours. Manipulation of these learned tools was observed as using niceties that I expect others might see as kindness. But this had a different feel. This person presented as having the most delightful combination of pleasant, calm and confident. A woman that presented with immediate kindness and her conversation was overflowing with what appeared to be a soft caring purpose and curious sensitivity. However, as our conversation required fact based opinion to advocate for our individual ideas, this woman presented with a deeper angry tone paired with a larger smile. Her lip quivered a little. She sat up taller, leaned in to the table, rested her arms, increased duration of eye contact and spoke with assertive terminology and short quick sentences. It was likely the most interesting turn of characteristic presentation I have observed. She was clearly not just using emotional body language, but pulling tools of planned emotion to get what she wanted. As our conversation safely ended with mutual agreement to disagree on many of our discussion points, she settled back in her chair, and her body relaxed. Her smile retracted to an occasional grin and her eyes softened. Her kindness never returned. It had been an act. A truly kind person would be able to enter into debate and yet treat a fellow human with a pleasantness that is natural and not thought. When I reflect and I think of her, she fits into both categories. Some would say she's a "kind" of strong. I would say this mix of traits that are planned and intentional for gain are manipulative and in many ways these people scare me. They come close to bursting my bubble that I protect with pride.
Currently, as I think of all the women and some of the men that I consider to be kind, and perform a mental cross-check with those people I picture as strong, I conclude of course that the variance is huge. A real strong combination of the two characteristics is rare. I have the most respect for both the "strong kind" and the "kind strong" individuals, providing they are natural in their expression. In this, there is a sense of understanding and safety. There is a sense of connection and understanding, even if there no synchronicity in understanding. Wherever possible however, I will continue to seek the real strong AND kind. Like many rare treasures, they are hidden, but they are there. It is what I teach, what I believe, and what I still aspire to be.
Swallow that one folks!
